It's Birthday, Bitch

Lindsay Woods, 29
Rose McGowan, 35
Dweezil Zappa, 39
Michael Keaton, 57
Cathy Guisewite, 58
Freddie Mercury, 62 (deceased)
Loudon Wainwright III, 62
Raquel Welch, 68
Carol Lawrence, 74
Bob Newhart, 79
John Cage, 96 (deceased)
Jesse James, 161 (deceased)
Christopher Martin Wieland, 275 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

Whooooo's Idea Was This?

The World of Wonder Storefront Gallery just received a surprise shipment of 73 boxes containing 876 ceramic owls, yes, OWLS. Identical owls! From Japan. That were made in 1962. And were used as hairspray covers, to make your bathrooms, um, decorative. DON'T ASK HOW I KNOW ALL THIS. I just do. (PS: Our OWL EXHIBITION isn't until November, but we thought we should start building the excitement for it NOW!)

– James St James (Photo by Steven Corfe)

It's Birthday, Bitch

Beyonce Knowles, 27
Dan Miller, 28
Wes Bentley, 30
Mark Ronson, 33
Jason David Frank, 35
Ione Skye, 38
Mike Piazza, 40
Damon Wayans, 48
Dr. Drew Pinsky, 50
Mitzi Gaynor, 78
Paul Harvey, 90
Henry Ford II, 91 (deceased)
Richard Wright, 100 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

Itemizing

• Declawing rumors, Paula Abdul says she's found "a true sister" in old frenemy Kara DioGuardi.

• Miley Cyrus bought herself a $75,000 fully loaded Mercedes-Benz CLK 550 Cabriolet for her November sweet 16. Still to come: Wii Fit and a puppy.

• Hot stuff. 16-year-old Daniel Radcliffe lost his virginity to a 23-year-old assistant hairdresser on the set of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Indeed.

• Mama Spears says Britney lost her virginity at 14 to an 18-year-old high-school varsity star soon after she left the Mickey Mouse Club. Well, she'd been drinking since 13.

• Anderson Cooper gets his hair cut for $15.

• Sex addict David Duchovny, currently rehabbing in Arizona, cheated on wife Téa Leone for years, says a source.

• Paris Hilton canceled screenings of the documentary Paris, Not France at the Toronto festival to create buzz, future BO.

Levi Johnston: Northern Disclosure

Huffington Post has an excerpt from the fuckin' diary Levi Johnston was keeping during the Republican convention, obtained by comedian Andy Borowitz. Here's a taste:

With all this crazy shit going on I didn't even like get a chance to talk to Bristol. I wanted to ask her how her summer was, shit like that, but every time I opened my mouth that McCain dude gave me another look like, "You say word one and I will rearrange your fuckin face you fuckin piece of hockey shit." So I don't say a fuckin thing.

It's Birthday, Bitch

Shaun White, 22
Brandon Force, 26
Jennie Finch, 28
Jennifer Paige, 35
Dominic West, 39
Charlie Sheen, 43
Amber Lynn, 44
Valerie Perrine, 65
Eileen Brennan, 76
Kitty Carlisle Hart, 94 (deceased)
Alan Ladd, 95 (deceased)
Queen Olga, 157 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

Pup Culture: Dog Without a Head

Shocking. At first. Then not so much.

Sarah Palin: Slim Pickin'

Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin of Wisconsin weighs in on Sarah Palin as McCain's pick for vice president.

"A real test of a presidential candidate’s judgment is his choice of a running mate – the person who is next in line to become the commander in chief. As we face serious global challenges and wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, John McCain has chosen someone with virtually no national security or foreign policy experience. This choice calls into question both Sen. McCain’s judgment and a McCain administration’s ability to lead a nation in crisis. To the extent that this choice represents an effort to court supporters of Hillary Clinton’s historic candidacy, McCain misjudges the reasons so many voters rallied around her candidacy. It was Sen. Clinton’s experience, skill and commitment to change, especially in the areas of health care and energy policy, that drew such strong support. Sarah Palin’s opposition to Roe v. Wade and her support of Big Oil will not draw Democrats from the Obama-Biden ticket." (Politico via Towleroad; top photo of could-be vice-presidential son-in-law via Gawker)

It's Birthday, Bitch

Salma Hayek, 42
Lennox Lewis, 43
Keanu Reeves, 44
KD Lang, 47
Jimmy Connors, 56
Mark Harmon, 57
Christa McAuliffe, 60 (deceased)
Terry Bradshaw, 60
Norman Ferguson, 106 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

Levi Johnston: Wasilla Gorilla

The positive side to the dilemma of 18-year-old Levi Johnston (pictured) knocking up GOP VP nominee Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter Bristol is that Palin will be a grandma around Christmastime, and that will make her at least sound a lot older than 44 and closer in age to 72-year-old McCain. The three female staff writers who collaborated on a piece about Johnston for the New York Daily News themselves seem somewhat smitten by the "ruggedly handsome" Wasilla High hockey star – who describes himself as a "fuckin' redneck" – and perhaps would like to have his babies too. "Johnston, broad-chested and wearing a No. 15 jersey, can be seen in photographs hitting the boards as a Warrior in action," they rhapsodize. "A closeup shot shows the handsome teen with a light dusting of whiskers on his chin – his dark brown hair curly and wet." Hey, stop it! Save some of his baby-making action for us.

On his MySpace page, Johnston proudly declares: "I'm a fuckin' redneck. ... I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing." He also warns that if anyone messes with him, "I'll kick ass." The Web site, before it was removed, appeared not to have been accessed for a year. On it, he admits to having a girlfriend. On the part where it asks about children, he wrote, "I don't want kids."

From Lothar With Love

Tim Hancock writes:

I have never met Sinead O'Connor.When her marriage to John Reynolds broke down, I wasn't there. When her latest album reached a high of 157 in the UK charts, I felt nothing. Sinead O'Connor doesn't even live in my flat.

So my flatmate and I were surprised to receive a letter asking the woman in question for her autograph. Mr Lothar Panhans of Germany has obviously convinced himself that the bipolar Irelander resides at least a little at our address, which I have to say I refute in the strongest terms.

Inside the typewritten envelope was a card for the baldy lady to autograph with "SINEAD O'CONNOR" handwritten at the top, a self-addressed envelope, and a postal order to pay for her signature to be sent back to Berlin.

Finally, there was a letter... which you can read after the jump.

Things to Say/Not Say During Sex

Click for full chart. (t/y Clancy)

Pup Culture

Growling chihuahua with toe tiara.

Ed Magaña's Friday Vid Bits

A Jeep jingle a la Agatha Christie; a slightly manipulated scene from Back to the Future; Kristin Chenoweth hosts a meth intervention, musically; and a scene from Anchorman, done typographically.

New from Hasbro: Running Mate Sarah

Was she designed and created in a lab? We're just saying.

It's Birthday, Bitch

Rebecca DeMornay, 46
Michael Jackson, 50
Robin Leach, 67
William Friedkin, 69
Elliott Gould, 70
John McCain, 72
Richard Attenborough, 85
Charlie "Bird" Parker, 88 (deceased)
Isabel Sanford, 91 (deceased)
Ingrid Bergman, 93 (deceased)
Preston Sturges, 110 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

Itemizing

• Hoops legend Charles Barkley wants to run Alabama.

• Owen Wilson moves to Hawaii, goes green.

• The XXX Files: Californication star David Duchovny asks for respect and privacy as he heads off to rehab to deal with a case of sex addiction.

• The suit Barack Obama wore last night to accept his nomination was a union-made Hartmarx, sewn in Chicago.

• Lindsay Lohan's Uncle Paul has been sentenced to prison for defrauding 9/11 relief funds.

• Michael Phelps nixes dinner as plan for first date with Carrie Underwood.

• Homer Simpson gets a colonoscopy.

Scenes from a Marriage

Jim Wirt, manager of the World of Wonder Storefront Gallery, received these photos from his sister of a wedding that took place in a Waffle House down south. No more is known.

It's Birthday, Bitch

LeAnn Rimes, 26
Jack Black, 39
Jason Priestley, 39
Billy Boyd, 40
Shania Twain, 43
Jennifer Coolidge, 45
Scott Hamilton, 50
Daniel Stern, 51
Luis Guzmán, 52
David Soul, 65
Donald O'Connor, 83 (deceased)
Leo Tolstoy, 180 (deceased)
Elizabeth Ann Seton, 234 (deceased)
Johann Von Goethe, 259 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

The House Is Always Full and the Senate Is Flush with Them

The Gay Republican Hypocrites playing cards are well suited to a game of 52 Pickup. Guaranteed four queens per deck. (via Towleroad)

Itemizing

• Not that desperate in real life, Wisteria Lane resident Nicollette Sheridan has separated again from her boyfriend of many years, white soul singer Michael Bolton.

• Amid family issues and a paternity situation, Michael Lohan plans to marry a woman two years older than daughter Lindsay.

• Doctors say Hillary Clinton appears to have had cosmetic surgery on her 60-year-old face, but would benefit from more procedures. Meow!

• Brad Pitt, not finished making babies, has penciled in two more for next year.

• No formal agreement has been signed, but Chico's has launched the Debbie Phelps Collection, an assortment of Michael's mom's travel pieces. Next up: her photo on boxes of Kellogg's All-Bran.

• Matthew McConaughey's father died fucking his mother. It's right there in black and white.

• The Daily Mail thought 200 words and three photos were in order to say that Courteney Cox was involved in a minor car accident in Hawaii in which no one was hurt, no one was arrested, and no tickets were issued.

It's Birthday, Bitch

Stephanie Beard, 28
Catherine Crump, 29
Mason Betha, 30
Sarah Chalke, 32
Chandra Wilson, 39
Downtown Julie Brown, 45
Tom Ford, 47
Paul Reubens, 56
Barbara Bach, 61
Tuesday Weld, 65
Daryl Dragon, 66
Martha Raye, 92 (deceased)
Norman Ramsey, 93
Lyndon B. Johnson, 100 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

This Is Frightening

Here are a couple of wrongheaded morons who are part of a voting bloc called Clintons4McCain, who are armed with misinformation and big mouths to promote it. We're not hoodwinked by that jaunty "4" – they're trouble. And we're pretty sure the Clintons themselves, no matter what they are, are not 4 McCain. (t/y Ethan)

It's Birthday, Bitch

Keke Palmer, 15
Cassie, 22
Macaulay Culkin, 28
Amanda Schull, 30
Holli Woods, 31
Thalia, 37
Shirley Manson, 42
Wanda De Jesus, 48
Geraldine Ferraro, 73
Mother Teresa, 98 (deceased)
Christopher Isherwood, 104 (deceased)
Mary Ann Nichols, 163 (deceased)

One-Cent Post

With Republicans infiltrating the DNC, it's more like a D and C.

It's Birthday, Bitch

Blake Lively, 21
Rachel Bilson, 27
Kel Mitchell, 30
Claudia Schiffer, 38
Rachael Ray, 40
Blair Underwood, 44
Vivian Campbell, 46
Billy Ray Cyrus, 47
Tim Burton, 50
Elvis Costello, 54
Gene Simmons, 59
Regis Philbin, 75
Sean Connery, 78
Monty Hall, 85
George Wallace, 89 (deceased)
Leonard Bernstein, 90 (deceased)
Ruby Keeler, 99 (deceased)
George Fawcett, 148 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

Itemizing

• Kim Kardashian had her ass hauled off to the hospital after she cut her foot on a hotel coffee table, probably dashing her chances of quickstepping on Dancing With the Stars.

• I Got You, Bat: Director Christopher Nolan has tapped Cher to raise the dander on Christian Bale in the next Batman behemoth. He wants the 62-year-old to play Catwoman "like a vamp in her twilight years."

• Hollywood swap meat: Jennifer Aniston just ended a notable romance with Cameron Diaz's throwaway, John Mayer; now Diaz is starting something with Aniston's ex, pretty model Paul Sculfor.

• Sadly, no one cares about Ricky Martin's babies.

• Madonna and Guy reknotted the red string, renewing their wedding vows Kabbalah-style. And the Obama-supporting Material Girl royally pissed off Senator McCain by likening him to Hitler in her "Sticky & Sweet" show.

• American Idol adds a fourth judge. Paula is "concerned."

• In a Los Angeles traffic accident as bland as she is, Amanda Bynes made an unsafe turn in her BMW and hit another car. "Drugs and alcohol were not involved," said an officer. "It was just a typical car accident. There was no serious damage to either vehicle."

Ed Magaña's Friday Vid Bits

A crazy lady wonders what they're putting in the water these days that makes sprinklers make rainbows; more Asian technology put to awesome, non-threatening use – a computer-generated waterfall; two Queers of Comedy spill the beans on the nail salon business in a Taxicab Confessions spoof; and, finally, a real-life gelfling watches that now-classic 2girls1cup video. That last one is, frankly, terrifying.

It's Birthday, Bitch

Howie Dorough, 35
Kristen Wiig, 35
Giada De Laurentiis, 38
Layne Staley, 41
Tori Amos, 45
Cindy Williams, 61
Valerie Harper, 68
Ray Bradbury, 88
John Lee Hooker, 91(deceased)
Dorothy Parker, 115 (deceased)
Claude Debussy, 146 (deceased)
Charles-Gaspard Delestre-Poirson, 218 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

A Game of Cat and Mouse

Only it's a rat. This is the second in a series of adorably disturbing photos of the rodent engaged in battle with a cat. Blow-by-blow coverage at Holy Taco.

Japanese Big Fun

A many splendored thing from Japan. Start by clicking here. (t/y Eduardo)

It's Birthday, Bitch

Hayden Panettiere, 19
Kimberly Stewart, 29
Alicia Witt, 33
Amy Fisher, 34
Dina Carroll, 40
Kim Cattrall, 52
Peter Weir, 64
Kenny Rogers, 70
Princess Margaret, 78 (deceased)
Jack Weston, 84 (deceased)
Aubrey Beardsley, 136 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

Itemizing

• The driver who ran the red light and caused that Shia LaBeouf accident in July, which ultimately resulted in the breakup of Adrian Grenier and Isabel Lucas, has been identified as 21-year-old Herbert Simon. At least, it was his car. He's been issued a citation.

• Lesbian on the loose Courtenay Semel spent the night in lock-up.

• Michael Phelps took 14 million television viewers with him when he left the Olympics. And Mark Spitz is saying Phelps couldn't have beaten him in the water.

• A recent study shows that living with humans has taught man's best friend human morals and social rules.

• The Hills star Spencer Pratt is "making a connection with Jesus" thanks to girlfriend Heidi Montag. "It's hard not sinning, you know?"

• The Born Identity: Matt and Lucy Damon have welcomed their third baby, a girl named Gia Zavala. (Meanwhile, Angie Harmon is pregnant again and Jennifer Garner is boasting that she's knocked up.)

• Sources say Oprah Winfrey is sick to death of being on the cover of her O magazine month after month after month since its launch in 2000. So who's making her?

• No one's watching Mad Men anymore.

McCain and Obama: Half and Have Not

There's a lot of chatter in the political blogosphere about the extended family members of the two leading presidential candidates. The dueling controversies center on Cindy McCain’s half sister and Barack Obama’s half brother. Cindy McCain was pretty much raised as an only child, but she actually had an older half sister from her father Jim Hensley's previous marriage. Cindy's half sister, Kathleen Portalski, was essentially left out of her father’s will except for a small pittance and college tuition for her children, while Cindy McCain inherited the multimillion-dollar Hensley fortune when her father died, a fact that has proven to be a gripping bit of grist for the political mill of late. And just to add more spice to the extended family drama, the Italian edition of Vanity Fair has found Barack Obama’s youngest half brother, George Hussein Onyango Obama, living in a wood hut in the shanty town of Huruma on the outskirts of Nairobi, where he says he manages to survive on less than one dollar a month. (Obama photo: Guy Calaf, VF Italy)

– AGNW

It's Birthday, Bitch

Demi Lovato, 16
Gyzelle Badre, 24
Santino Rice, 34
Amy Adams, 34
Fred Durst, 37
James Marsters, 46
Joan Allen, 52
Al Roker, 54
Robert Plant, 60
Connie Chung, 62
Isaac Hayes, 66 (deceased)
Ron Paul, 73
Don King, 77
Jacqueline Susann, 87 (deceased)
Benjamin Harrison, 175 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

Man Attends His Own Wake

Angel Medina wished to be present and standing up at his own wake, so when he was found dead under a bridge in San Juan, Puerto Rico, on Friday, his mother honored his request and, after the embalming, propped him up against the wall in her living room and invited well-wishers over for platanos. The Yankees cap and Dolce & Gabbana shades makes the scene seem less horrifying, don't you think? (AP; t/y Jason)

It's Birthday, Bitch

Lil' Romeo, 19
Erika Christensen, 26
Tracie Thoms, 33
Fat Joe, 38
Matthew Perry, 39
LeAnn Womack, 42
Kyra Sedgwick, 43
Kevin Dillon, 43
John Stamos, 45
Peter Gallagher, 53
John Deacon, 57
Tipper Gore, 60
Bill Clinton, 62
Jill St John, 68
Malcom Forbes, 89 (deceased)
Gypsy Boots, 94 (deceased)
Ogden Nash, 106 (deceased)
Coco Chanel, 125 (deceased)
Orville Wright, 137 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

World of Wunder

What? We hate to say this, but it sounds like Gerda Wunder is in the early stages of losing it. Damn that bastard Mustafio!

WHEN I TRIED TO MOVE MY ARM WITHOUT BEING NOTICED I ACCIDENTILLY TOUCHED ONE OF MUSTAFIO'S BUTTS I DON"T REMEMBER WHICH NOW THE BASTARD OHS ME AND MY TRYCIPS ANTHROOPOLOGY NOT JUST TO ME BUT TO LOUIS ARMSTRONG AND HE OHS EVERYONE FOR THE SLUR. HE TIREADE WAS CHLDISH AND INACCURTE EVEN THOUGH HE RAISED HIS ARM PROFUSELY AND SAID QUOTE ""WE GET THIS ALL THE TIME ITS DIFFFICULT TO REMMBER IF EVERYTHING S FIXED"

Itemizing

• Daniel Radcliffe stripping nude for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. "At first I thought I'd have underwear on for the scene. Apparently not."

• Australian mayor John Moloney invites "beauty-disadvantaged" women to his "gender imbalanced" mining town to find men to marry. Controversy erupts.

• With the recent $46 million he paid to unload his third wife, Phil Collins' three divorces have set him back $80 million.

• News that Wal-Mart may soon be the exclusive seller of the Guns N' Roses opus Chinese Democracy, 14 years in the making, spurs new interest in the album. And by "spurs new interest," we mean "beats a dead horse."

• Hanson brother Taylor and wife Natalie are expecting their fourth child, bringing the total number of Hansons begat by the three brothers to 10 when this little tyke is born.

• Avril Lavigne is not welcome in Kuala Lumpur. "We want clean artists."

It's Birthday, Bitch

Malcom-Jamal Warner, 38
Edward Norton, 39
Erik "Everlast" Schrody, 39
Christian Slater, 39
Madeleine Stowe, 50
Denis Leary, 51
Patrick Swayze, 56
Martin Mull, 65
Robert Redford, 72
Roman Polanski, 75
Rosalynn Carter, 81
Shelley Winters, 88 (deceased)
Max Factor, 103 (deceased)
Meriwether Lewis, 234 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

Itemizing: Couples Edition

• Shaq and Shaunie will not be divorcing after all.

• John Mayer will not be marrying Jennifer Aniston, "the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met."

• Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are talking about getting married someday.

• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi got married yesterday afternoon.

(Photo: Rupert Thorpe)

It's Birthday, Bitch

Joe Jonas, 19
Ben Affleck, 36
Debra Messing, 40
Princess Anne, 58
Mike Conners, 83
Rose Marie, 83
Phyllis Schlafly, 84
Julia Child, 96 (deceased)
Ethel Barrymore, 129 (deceased)
Napoleon Bonaparte, 239 (deceased)

Itemizing

• Jennifer Aniston already has a new boyfriend?

• 90-year-old Ernest Borgnine remembers a time when you could enjoy a bowl of Chinese and a whore for only $2.

• Which Jonas Brother is bursting at the seams to come out of the evangelical closet and admit to being actively gay?

• Hillary Clinton's name to be placed in nomination at next week's Democratic convention.

• Did you know Alanis Morrisette wrote "You Oughta Know" about Full House guy Dave Coulier?

• Anthony Kiedis is nuts for Bob Dylan – and Peaches Geldof.

It's Birthday, Bitch

Kevin Cadogan, 38
Halle Berry, 42
Sarah Brightman, 48
Earvin "Magic" Johnson, 49
Marcia Gay Harden, 49
James Horner, 55
Gary Larson, 58
Danielle Steel, 61
Steve Martin, 63
Lynne Cheney, 67
David Crosby, 67
Hans Christian Øersted, 231 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

The Beijing Opening Ceremonies After-Party

Multitasker's Headline of the Week

Man with rifle and 10lbs of pot caught driving over 90mph while taping himself masturbating (via current; t/y Beau)

The Vagina Catalogue

The most comprehensive list ever compiled of slang names for the vagina. Yes, fur burger is on it. And bearded clam. And dick mitten. And, most peculiarly, so is vagina. (Click here)

Itemizing

• Carrie Underwood discovers dating is difficult when you're famous. Apparently, she's still ON that turnip truck.

• Regarding the national boycott of Tropic Thunder planned by activists representing the mentally deficient, the film's co-writer Etan Cohen suggests Rain Man, I Am Sam, and Forrest Gump are the real culprits.

• Mariah and Nick finally celebrate their wedding with friends; neighbors call police about the noise.

• Angelina Jolie and Tom Cruise, it turns out, are interchangeable. Who knew?

• A vast sea of 2,008 different Chinese performers for every segment of the Olympic opening ceremonies, and they bump one seven-year-old girl for having crooked teeth.

• Hayden Panettiere's father Alan "Skip" Panettiere has been released on $50,000 bail after being arrested for allegedly beating his wife. Is it really wise to release a man on bail if his nickname is Skip?

• Shelley Malil, supporting actor in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and featured player in Budweiser's "Whassup?" commercials, has been accused of stabbing his ex-girlfriend 20 times.

• Bank Job hottie Jason Statham arrived at the Hugh Hefner's Midsummer Night's Dream party at the Mansion wearing only a bathrobe and was eventually escorted off the premises. Boobs not big enough?

It's Birthday, Bitch

Dominique Swain, 28
Pete Sampras, 37
Rebecca Gayheart, 37
George Hamilton, 69
William Goldman, 77
John Derek, 82 (deceased)
Jane Wyatt, 96 (deceased)
Cecil B DeMille, 127 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

It's Birthday, Bitch

Will Friedle, 32
Carolyn Murphy, 33
Ashley Jensen, 39
Dru Berrymore, 39
David Henry Hwang, 51
Hulk Hogan, 55
Steve Wozniak, 58
Reverend Jerry Falwell, 75 (deceased)
Arlene Dahl, 80
Mike Douglas, 83 (deceased)
Alex Haley, 87 (deceasedd)
Hobart Bosworth, 141 (deceased)

– Lindsey Hager

Perhaps If Her Parents Had Gone With the Name Linda Life Would Have Turned Out Differently

Wichita's anti-prostitution campaign. (t/y Brett)

Century City or Gotham City?

The folks over in Century City are just about one step away from installing the bat signal atop MGM tower. A bomb threat earlier this week which kept staff out of the office for most of the day was just the beginning. Early this morning a threat came stating that anthrax would be placed into the ventilation system of MGM Tower, starting on the 20th floor. But as of this afternoon there have been no reports of anthrax, bombs, or the Joker. Story developing.

– Steven Sims

Ed Magaña's Friday Vid Bits