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Cruise Control

Friday, October 07, 2005 05:24 AM

The Scientology coven has already begun to hover around their most blessed event, the coming of the Child to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. The Child will be a spawn of the actual approved sperm of Cruise, not an adopted "other." And in their excitement, such Hubbard's disciples as John Travolta and his dermatological spokesperson wife Kelly Preston have suggested to the pregnant pair that the Child be given a "silent birth." That entails no music, talking, screaming during delivery, and no prodding, poking, or testing during the first seven days. (We think the church's guidelines allow for cutting the umbilical cord.) To prevent the maniacal exuberance that Cruise has shown of late, we assume he will be manacled, possibly gagged, and placed in a sealed chamber at the Scientology Celebrity Center until the Child is a week old.

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