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Let the conspiracy theories begin

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 09:59 AM

tags: Beyonce, celebrity scandal, Conspiracy Theory, Jay Leno, Kanye West, Mario Lopez, Taylor Swift, VMAs

1) Last night, gossip wrangler Janet Charelton sidled up to me at a party and cryptically whispered: "You know all three of them are on the same record label." Meaning: Kanye, Beyoncé, and Taylor Swift all planned the whole thing to push up their collective album sales. And who doesn't see a Beyonce/Taylor Swift duet coming down the turnpike?

2) Last night on Extra, the usually thick-as-a-board Mario Lopez pointed out (with the help of a telestrator and grainy, slow-motion, Zapruda-like footage) that when Kanye appeared to be swigging from his bottle of Hennessey, the bottle, in fact, STILL HAD THE CAP ON IT! Meaning: He faked being drunk, to set up his alibi. Meaning: It was all pre-planned.

3) Last night was the premiere of The Jay Leno Show. Leno needed out-of-the-ballpark blockbuster ratings to satisfy the critics. And when does Jay get his biggest ratings? Here's a hint: "What were you thinking?" WHEN CELEBRITIES COME ON HIS SHOW FOR A MEDIA COLAN CLEANSING MEA CULPA. Meaning: It was all done for ratings.

4) Most of the arm-chair analysts I know agree: The symmetry of the VMAs was just too perfect. In the beginning of the show, Kanye made his big gaffe. A Gabillion people twittered about it. The press went bananas, and the story spread like wildfire across the country, before the show had even started in the Central Time Zone. It instantly became the most watched VMAs in a decade. By the end of the show, Lady Bountiful Beyonce stepped onto the stage and dazzled us all, by showing grace and a generosity of spirit heretofore unseen in her personality. That little hat trick of hers tied the evening up in a nice little bow for the media to gobble up and regurgitate the next day. In fact, it's all anyone has talked about. Meaning: The VMAs had this little drama all planned out for months beforehand, and all three of them were behind it.

Mind you: there are holes in all four theories. The biggest of which is would Kanye allow himself to become the most hated man in America just to help everyone get ratings? What do you think?